Stay sane

A friend of mine has a daughter getting married this fall, and everyone is feeling a little overwhelmed.  I offered her, and her daughter, some of my advice the other day, then it occurred to me that should share it here, too. I've already posted about getting started, but I haven't really discussed keeping the overwhelming  details form drowning you.  Silly me.

The trick to getting through the planning of any event with your sanity is baby steps.

• DON'T FREAK OUT!  This is the first rule of wedding planning. Panic and tears solve no problems, so set them aside in favor of a can-do attitude.  Take a deep breath, have a drink, meditate, light a candle- whatever you need to do to be calm.  
• Remember that goal of a wedding is to be the beginning of a wonderful marriage together. It's easy to get tunnel vision and forget this.  When in doubt, do what's best for you and your significant other.
• Don't neglect important parts of your regular life for wedding planning. Eventually, the wedding is over, and you will need to return to regular life.  Your relationships, family, home and job are still important. Don't forget that.
• Give up on picture perfect and aim for what makes you happy.
• Find your vision. This can be a sketch, a photograph, a paragraph, a piece of music, or a list of key words.  These can help the people around you figure out what you need or want when words fail you or if the stress makes it too hard to focus.  Keep these in your planner.
• Find a way to keep all your ideas and contracts and phone numbers organized. There are many, many printed wedding planners available, but a large envelope, a notebook or journal or even your smart phone might be the best choice for you.  Wedding planning generates lots of information that you may need to refer back to.
• Ask your professionals for help, advice, or inspiration. Their experience and knowledge can save you tons of time and effort.  Bridal salons tend to know the area's seamstresses, lingerie providers, and shoe stores.. Caterers know venues and DJ services really well. Photographers and videographers often know lots of professionals, plus they can also show you what other people have done that worked out great, or conversely, totally destroyed an event.  DJ's and bands can also help you design the flow of your event, and can be great allies for getting things to run in a timely fashion.  If you are looking for a supplier for anything, these people often have the connections to make it happen in a few phone calls.
• When things get to be too much, take a break. Trust me, a few hours off will not make or break your wedding.
• Prioritize what you most want.  For details that don't matter much to you, go a ahead and take the advice of the professionals around you or allow friends and family to help make the decision.  As I wasn't super picky about my wedding flowers, I gave up control of these decisions. I got fabulous floral decorations at my wedding when I gave the florist a list of flowers I loved (and a notes on those that I hated), and let her make something beautiful, new, and perfectly suited to my venue. Better yet, I had fewer meetings and details to worry about.
• Create a timeline-  the end date will obviously be your wedding day (to start with), but you should also mark other important dates such as:
• One month away from the event should have final fittings scheduled and suit measurements submitted.
• Wedding gowns typically need  12 weeks to be delivered, plus that month for alterations. Bridesmaid's dresses typically need 6-8 weeks.  If you need things quicker, be sure to state that up front.
• Wedding invites should be sent out 6-8 weeks before your date, and save the date cards should go out up to 18 months in advance if you have lots of out of town guests or a destination wedding.
• Your caterer will give you a date by which the final guest count needs to be in. Take my advice and lie to yourself  by moving it up a few days on the calender.  Any major due date could benefit from this treatment.
• Any due dates for payments should be highlighted.  Some contracts are void if not paid on time. Don't tempt fate.
• To preserve your relationships, don't forget to keep reminders of friends' and family members' birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. It gets very easy to forget these when you feel stressed, and a fight is the last thing you need right now.
• Keep a couple of swatches handy (but in different locations). You might unexpectedly find a great deal on decorations, jewelry, dresses or anything else, and it is handy to be able to match your swatches before you buy to prevent reverse shopping trips.
• Accept help from the people who offer, even if it's for something small like tying bows on favors.
• Divide up the labor. You don't have to do everything yourself.  Friends and family, and most importantly, your significant other, can be a huge help in getting every detail taken care of. Many people around you are waiting for you to ask.
• Don't be afraid to politely pass on the help from those people who are likely to sabotage your plans or become flaky.  These people will stress you out more than they will help.
• When things get to be too much, take a break. Trust me, a few hours off will not make or break your wedding. Schedule in some relaxation.
• Ask for contracts in advance so you can read them at your leisure before you sign. This also gives you a chance to write down your questions and contemplate your purchase before you commit to anything.
• Make back up plans for getting out of town guests to hotels, picking up tuxedos, and other minute details that require an errand runner more than anything.

Guest lists and fairy tales

From: http://weknowmemes.com/2013/04/everybody-says-they-want-a-fairytale-wedding/

That whole affair with Sleeping Beauty could have been prevented. All the king and queen had to do was make sure they invited all the fairies to the poor kid's baptism.  Hurt feelings aren't any fun, and a wedding is very public declaration about who is and isn't important in our lives.  There will always be people you don't want to invite, but should to keep the peace. Just as importantly, there are people whose absence will make your day run more smoothly.  Of course, both decisions will have long and short term implications. I have few ideas about making your invitation process a little easier.

Drafting your guest list should not be done all at once. Start by listing all of your family and friends, which if you're anything like me, will require carrying paper at all times because your mind suddenly became Swiss cheese. List out all those great aunts and third cousins.  Start researching addresses (sometimes this can take an absurd amount of time).  Write down all those friends from high school, bar buddies from college, and people you've worked with. Don't forget spouses and children (which isn't necessary if you aren't welcoming little ones).  Are you close to your neighbors or past neighbors (like the ones you grew up next to)?  Write them down.  Now your list should be very, very long. Don't Panic!

Start coding your list into categories: People you want to attend, People you HAVE to invite, People you should invite, and people who should receive a wedding announcement.  Make special note of any people on any list who may be problematic. Run the list past the major family members (like the parents) to make sure no one was missed.  Decide what your maximum number of guests will be and prioritize invitations based on whatever criteria is most important to you (this will likely be a group effort, prepare yourself).  When you've whittled your list down to who will receive invites, make copies and give them to responsible people for safe keeping, this way, when you lose one copy, you don't have to go back to square one. Start compiling addresses, even for people you don't invite, as you may need it later to send an announcement or a thank you. Send out "Save the Date" cards, letters, or e-mails to people who will have to travel long distances, will require major scheduling to attend or who you really, really want to be able to come months in advance (If you have a date picked out and a contract signed for your venue- up to a year in advance is fine). Invitations should, generally, go out 6 weeks before your event. Announcements within a month after the event (though, it is nice to get help addressing those when you get the invites done).

As you complete your guest list, remember that it is very difficult to make everyone happy.  This is life.  No matter what you decide to do, there will be people who don't like it. For some reason weddings and babies break down the normal filters that caution people to keep their advice to themselves for politeness' sake.  Think of wedding planning as your fist lesson in being a spouse, which will mean that you develop a duck's back against commentary, smile and say "Thanks!" when you don't want to, and find yourself wondering why you didn't elope. Just remember to be polite, and leave the bad fairy off the guest list at your own peril.

Emergency!

I have never been to to a wedding that didn't have some sort of crisis.  My wedding, the minister was late due to a car accident that tied up traffic around Lake Tahoe. A friend of mine found herself wondering where her mother and son were for half an hour before they showed up.  Another friend began hyperventilating so badly she almost fainted, and we couldn't find a paper bag anywhere (FYI- a thick scarf works, too).  I've seen zippers fail, wedding party members so hung over they can't stop vomiting. Weddings are the perfect place for Murphy's Law to occur, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world.  A little planning can prevent many of these from disrupting your day.

First, try not to plan your hen night/ bachelorette party/ bachelor party/ stag night for the night before your wedding. Try to remember that getting obscenely drunk the night before will make the next day miserable.  It rarely ends well.  Also, don't try out a new sleeping pill or anti-anxiety drug the day of the wedding.  Remember "Pretty in Pink"?  Things like that really do happen. Second, pack an emergency kit (list at the end of this post). Third, don't forget to eat and drink a little that day.  Fainting is no fun.  Wedding professionals can also be a huge help when something gets out of hand.  My mom, who was a wedding photographer for nearly 15 years, carried a bizarre assortment of things in her camera bag to deal with all sorts of emergencies.  If nothing else, good professionals can help smooth over the rough spots during an event so that your guests never know anything was ever going wrong. Finally, maintain a sense of humor.  Stuff goes wrong at weddings, all the planning in the world can't stop every variety of disaster, but keeping calm, remembering what's important (being married to your wonderful partner at the end of the day), and laughing will make it far less traumatic.

Weddings are stressful , but a little preparation and the right attitude can make a huge difference in how things turn out.  Don't be afraid to ask for help or advice, and don't be afraid to take a few minutes for yourself.

Emergency kit ideas:

• pain killers
• breathe mints
• extra pantyhose
• clear nail polish
• nail polish remover
• extra mascara
• eye make up remover
• hair spray
• a small paper bag
• sanitary napkins and/or tampons
• calming music and/or a calming scent
• a small sewing kit with white, ivory, black, and clear thread
• a small bar of hard white soap (hotel toiletries come in hand some times)- rubbing a dry bar of soap over a stiff or stuck zipper can, in many cases, fix the problem.
• an umbrella
• an extra plastic dress cover
• snacks 
• water
• a list of all your wedding professional's numbers
• tissues
• mints, ginger pills, or candied ginger (for nausea)
• rubbing alcohol (a number of stains can be lightened with this)
• deodorant (many brides forget this and end up borrowing)
• lip balm
• aloe vera gel (reduces redness of burns, cuts, and pimples)
• translucent powder
• concealer (a shade darker than your skin)
• translucent powder
• bobby pins
• safety pins
• a copy of your vows and ceremony plan, just in case

Children and weddings

I like kids, a lot.  They see the world through eyes that have not learned to ignore the mundane, and their attention flits from place to place in the most unexpected fashions. When including children in your wedding ceremony, it is important to remember that they are not cuter, little adults, they are children.  Their ability to stand still, remember instructions and pay attention are not fully developed.

I'd like to share a few tips about helping kids get through their role in a wedding without driving you or anyone else crazy.

• Very young children often still need naps.  Try to make sure that your little ones will be well rested for the ceremony; this may require a few days of schedule changes or arranging for a quiet corner for them to nap in.
• Start talking about what's expected from them well in advance.  Not only will this help them remember what to do, it will help them develop confidence.  Explain what things are important and why, and don't forget to tell them that you still love them even if they goof up a bit.
• Make them feel special: go with them when it's time to pick out their clothing or send them a note if you can't.
• Have a sense of humor.  Things happen, if you laugh it off, it will make a better memory than something you get upset over. Kids trip, teeth fall out at the most inopportune time, and shoes get forgotten, but it doesn't have to be blemish on your day.
• Bribes are a good way to get boisterous or nervous children to behave. Your attendants can help with this. (The Royal Wedding last year had Prince Harry doing a wonderful job of this).
• Rehearse everything!
• Don't forget to thank your littlest attendants; they remember events like this for a long time.
• Never, never, never give a child your actual rings to carry!  Your officiant or attendants can carry the real ones and offer them up at the last minute, but finding a wedding band in sea of grass or sand after they've been dropped is nearly impossible, not to mention scary.
• Make sure someone has some activities to keep the little ones happy during the reception.  A friend of mine, who had a Winter Solstice wedding, not only ordered special food for her child guests, she also made them little stockings with a small, inexpensive game, a coloring book, crayons, and a snack inside.  It kept the kids happy and quiet and made them feel very welcome as guests. 

Buying a gown

The wedding gown has become an icon in Western culture.  Many wedding professionals  use your gown as a guide to your style. Everyone you know will have an opinion about what you should wear, and there are literally, thousands of choices available.

I used to sell wedding gowns.  It was a job that was frustrating, entertaining and challenging. My expereinces, however, can benefit you.  Here's all my best advice about gown shopping in a convient list format.

• Get an idea about what you think you want before you head to a store.  Once you walk in and see a thousand dresses hanging up, it' get's overwhelming.
• Make appointments to guarantee you will have time with at a salon.
• For the first few rounds of shopping, take only one or two people who know your taste and want to help you look your best.  I can't tell you how many times I had a bride with an entire entourage (every single one of them with their own agenda) and no clue about what she wanted.  It makes for craziness.  Narrow down your choices first, then bring the whole crowd for the final round (once you've narrowed the selections to two or three).  This will make life much easier for you and your bridal consultant.
• Be open to trying on a couple of suggestions that you hadn't considered.  A good bridal consultant will know the store's stock, the dressmaker's offerings and have experience with the best gowns for your shape.  You could be pleasantly surprised to find the perfect dress isn't one you had thought of.
• Also, don't be afraid to ask for a different consultant if the one you start out with isn't a good match.
• Gowns from most lower and mid range dressmakers will take 8-12 weeks for delivery and then alterations will take about 2-3 weeks on top.  Give yourself time.
• Get recommendations from people about seamstresses.  Trust me when I say some "professionals" are not.
• If you are looking for a unique gown, try etsy or other artisan sites.  For period clothing, try Renstore.com, Victorian Trading Co., Amazon Dry Goods, Folkware (patterns only), or vintage clothing stores.
• Bridesmaids dresses are a great alternative for less formal or inexpensive events.  They are also available in a rainbow of colors.
• Your gown should be ordered in your current size and altered to fit. Don't bank on losing weight to fit a smaller gown.  Also, don't freak out when you see the number on the size chart.  Formal wear is often sized differently from your everyday clothing.
• If you can spend time during the week to shop for your gown, you will get more time and better service than on the weekends.
• Don't let people talk you into things you hate.  You can try them on and discard them, but don't settle.
• Have fun!

Happy shopping!

Winter Weddings Treasury on etsy

• 
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  White Gold and Diamond Sno...

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  Blue garter

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  Star Blue Wedding Ring Set

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Just a bit of silliness to share

I love Failblog.org's Wedinator.  So much silliness goes on at weddings, and somebody finally harnessed that to turn a profit.  Occasionally, I'll share things I find there here, so keep your eyes open.

Invitations

Did you know that are actually enough rules about wedding stationary etiquette to fill a large book?  Really.  I read it.  Very dull, frequently outdated and pricey.  Here is my short(er) and simple(r) guide for invitations.

Start looking for invitations 3-4 months before you need them.  If ordering from a printer or thermographer, expect them to take around two weeks.  Engraving takes longer.  Printing at home is quicker, but in my experience, it adds unnecessary stress.  A professional can make the invitation process much quicker and easier.

Picking an invitation can be daunting.  there are literally thousands of options to choose from.  The invitation is typically the first glimpse guests have of your event, but you don't have to do anything elaborate or flashy.  A simple white or ivory card with black or grey lettering is the classic for a reason.

• If your invitation requires assembly (like ribbon tying or difficult folding, make sure you will have time to deal with this.  
• Be careful when you pick a font- if it's too difficult to read, some guests may not be able to read it.  If you are absolutely in love with ornate curling fonts (I love Spencerian calligraphy), consider using it only for your names, while printing the rest of the invitation in a more readable font.  
• You don't have to spend a fortune on your invitations.  Most people will throw them away eventually.
• Postage on wedding invitations is nearly always more than a first class stamp will cover.  Take a completed invitation to the post office to have postage calculated before you send them out, or you will end up mailing them twice, which gets expensive.

Wording your invitation is a bit tricky.  Old ettiquette rules are still followed by most couples.  These are the three most common combinations I saw when I was doing wedding stationary orders.

Formal, traditional

Mr. and Mrs. Bride's Parents

request the honour of your presence 

at the marriage of their daughter

Bride's First and Middle Names

and

Groom's Full Name

on Saturday, the eight of Month

Two thousand and eleven

at time o'clock

Location Name

Location address

City, State/Provence

Please note that honour should be spelled with a "u" on wedding invitations.  Honor without is reserved for military and funerary purposes.  You can also substitute handfasting, hand fasting, commitment ceremony or wedding in the place of marriage.  The groom's parents can be included under the groom's name by adding a "son of" line and the following line of their names.  A verse, short poem or quote can be included at the top of the invitation if you like.

Formal- bride and groom inviting

Bride's Name

and 

Groom's Name

request the honor of your presence

at their marriage

on Saturday, the day of the Month

Two thousand and eleven

at time o'clock

Location Name

Location Address

City and State/Provence

Informal, traditional

Bride's Parents

request the pleasure of your company 

at the wedding of their daughter

Bride's Name

and 

Groom's Name

on Saturday, the day of Month,

Two thousand and eleven

Location Name

Location Address

City, State/Provence

Reception cards need not be included if the reception directly follows the ceremony in the same location.  If not, include reception cards.  Pre-addressed and stamped RSVP cards will make your life a little easier when get a guest count, but keep in mind, that you will probably have to call or email a few people who won't respond.  The reception card is a good place to specify attire, no gifts please or no children.  Even better, pass the message along through word of mouth.

Invitations are a necessary and time consuming part of wedding planning.  The options and etiquette are dizzying, I know.  It took years for me to get to the point I could just do this without reference.  If you need help, contact me here, or contact a professional stationer in your area.

  

Avoiding Bridezilla

Weddings are stressful, and anytime we are under unusual stress, the potential for flaring tempers increases exponentially.  Bridezilla, a rather recent term for an old phenomenon, is now part of our slang (I used to call it going bridal when I was in the wedding business).  It describes a bride who loses sight of what's important in planning a wedding and who becomes unbearable and selfish, alienating everyone around her.

Very few people plan to let wedding stress turn them into monsters, but it happens (three days before my wedding, I rather rudely informed a bride getting married a week after me that I couldn't give a shit about her problem, because the tuxedos for my wedding and three others were MIA- while I was at work at a bridal shop).  Here is my advice for keeping things in perspective, both as a bride and as a former wedding professional:

• The goal of planning a wedding is to have a marriage after all is said and done.
• When dealing with wedding professionals, remember, they talk to brides all the time.  To them, your wedding is one of many.  Expect courtesy and professionalism from them, not special treatment (especially if you are asking for more than your contract spells out).
• You want to still be on good terms with your friends and family after the wedding, so don't let little things like picking out bridesmaids dresses or using a different DJ become fights.
• You can't please everybody, but you can take a moment to listen to what people say, even if you don't do what they want you to do.  "I'll keep that in mind" and "Thanks for the advice" are handy phrases.  Noncommittal and polite is the way to go.
• Every wedding I have ever been to or worked on had a disaster of some degree.  You can't control the weather, other people or traffic.  Chances are, your guests will never be aware of the problem unless it's pointed out to them.
• Kids are kids, not miniature adults.  Don't expect anything else.
• Some people will not like your choices.  Develop a duck's back against criticism.
• Your significant other loves you for who you are, and that is what really matters.
• Don't forget to say "please", "thank you" and "I'm sorry".

Going a little crazy while planning a wedding is normal.  Keep the stress reactions to a minimum and everyone will thank you for it.  If you feel overwhelmed, stop and take a breather.  Ignore your planning for a few days, go for walk or put your foot down to prevent yourself from being walked all over.  Smile, be happy, and keep your eyes on the prize.  This will all be over before you know it.

Ceremony Choices

Your ceremony is the most important part of your wedding day, as it is the time that will transform you from single persons to a married couple.  It is when you will make your promises to each other, in front of gods and witnesses.  Obviously, it will take quite a bit of attention to plan.

For Pagans and Wiccans, one of the first steps to planning will be to determine what type of ceremony you prefer.  Are you looking for a legally binding ceremony, if so, you will need to verify what the legal requirements are in your area.  It varies wildly, so do your homework.  Will you need to apply for a marriage license?  What are the requirements?  Some places require blood tests, others documents as well as identification.  Is there a waiting period?  Where do you go to apply?  How much does it cost? What should you bring?  If don't care about legalities, you will still need to make some decisions.

Are you planning a highly ritualized ceremony in a circle?  Something more "traditional" or is something in between more your speed?  The answers to these questions is obviously dependent upon how "out of the broom closet" you are and the dynamics and acceptance levels of your friends and family.  Personally, my wedding was a blend.  It was legally binding in California, and symbolic enough to suit my religious views, but not so unusual that people were uncomfortable (my husband's family often pretends not to know about my Pagan beliefs, and he is an atheist himself).  We blended the traditional wedding ceremony with pagan symbolism and our own personalities. For details, see my About Me page.

A very religious handfasting ceremony will require it's own questions that are best addressed by your officiating Priest or Priestess.  Each specific group will have it's own version of a handfasting ceremony.  Will you include non-pagan guests?  How will you pass the word about circle etiquette?  What will you vow?

Your ceremony should reflect your relationship.  Your promises should be reasonable to the two of you who are making them, not other people.  Discuss what you both expect from your ceremony and go from there, speaking with your officiant, your families and your friends for support, guidance and suggestions.

Wedding Checklist: 12 months and earlier

Here is the first part of a wedding checklist, tweaked and edited for handfastings!  Most of these things are interchangeable with a more traditional wedding, but some are not.  I realize that it is a short list, but there isn't too much to do before then!

12+ Months

• What do you want your handfasting to look like?  Now is the time to decide on a tentative theme.  Backyard, fancy, elegant, beach, etc.  Make sure there is room for a circle to be cast.
• Decide on a budget and decide who will contribute what.  This is a good meeting to have with both of your families.
• Decide on a date and time.  Keep in mind you may want to look at astrology books, or decide based on the wheel of the year.
• If you are having a traditional white dress, start looking now.  If you are going with something more Witchy, you can find several websites that sell dresses.  You could also give some thought to hiring a seamstress.

The next portion of the checklist will be posted next week.  A big part of planning a wedding or handfasting is not to rush, regardless of how much time you have or don't.  Checklists always help!

Timing is everything

When it comes to event planning, timing is everything. Start out by deciding what kind of event you want.  Something simple can be put together very quickly, but elaborate weddings take time (or lots of money) to make them work out.

I grew up in the wedding industry; my parents were photographers  (and I late sold gowns, bridesmaids dresses, rented tuxedos and did custom stationary orders) and most weddings were booked at least a year in advance.  Why?  Because things take time.  If you order a wedding gown from a bridal shop (not a big bridal retailer) your dress will take weeks to be delivered (unless you pay a rush charge).  Invitations need about a week of turn around time and should be mailed out at least six weeks in advance.  Bridesmaid's dresses, six weeks.  Some officiants require premarital counselling which can take weeks.  Many vendors are booked a year or more in advance for peak season (which is traditionally late April through early September).

This shouldn't discourage you if you are absolutely certain your wedding needs to happen quickly (there are tons of reasons that couple need a short engagement), but remember that the stress increases exponentially the less time you have to put things together.  Sit down together, with your families and attendants (in necessary) and discuss when would be best.  Are you dead set on a particular date or season?  Are you working around other commitments? Is there a compromise available?  If you choose a date that is more than a year in the future, begin passing the word and/or send out save the date cards.  Once you have made this big decision, it's time to talk budget.  Take everything one step at a time and you'll be fine.

Getting started

There are many decisions to make as you plan your wedding, hand fasting or commitment ceremony.  One of the best ways to do this is to sit down with your significant other and talk about what you each want.  Are you looking for something intimate and simple or something grand?  Do you want your union to be legally recognized (you will need to research the legalities involved in getting married in you area- don't worry, we'll come back to this topic in a later post)?  What reflects the two of you and your relationship? When do you want to get married?

Once you've had this discussion.  Buy a couple of wedding magazines.  What jumps out at you?  A season, a type of location, a color?  Save pictures in a notebook, write notes-especially about the emotions the photos evoke.  Have fun, dream a little.

Keep your eyes open for inspiration, it can be anywhere.  Save color chips, fabric swatches and photos; it will help you keep organized and inspired.  Don't be afraid to have fun and be creative.

Welcome to Witchy Weddings

Congratulations on you upcoming wedding!

Weddings are personal and public at the same time.  There exists a variety traditions- religious and cultural, that as a bride or groom, you will need to wade through, make decisions about and implement.  We're here to help, with suggestions, advice and sometimes humorous stories of the excitement of weddings and wedding planning.

Stay tuned for lots of info!